He just kept looking at his watch. Twisting it one way and then the other. I watched him for several minutes before I couldn’t take the tension and silence anymore. I reached for his hand and stopped the twisting motion of his hand and watch. Our eyes finally met for the first time that day, both of us on the verge of crying but neither one ready to let the other see any tears. “Well?” I finally manage to exert.
“I can’t make that decision now. I wasn’t ready for this…”
“Neither was I!” I could feel the anger beginning to build inside me because I knew he wasn’t ready to be together, let only a father.
He looked at me with startled eyes, “I didn’t mean anything by that. I just need time to think.”
How much time I wondered. How long would it take before I knew if I was doing this alone?
“I’m going on vacation next week. I plan on going to Hawaii and then driving down to see my dad. Give me that time to think about what I’m going to decide. Okay?” He turned his attention back to his watch.
I took a deep cleansing breath and managed to reply, “I can do that.”
We both agreed that dinner wasn’t an option for tonight given that we were both already spent from this very intense but short conversation. I started for the door and as my hand reached the door knob, I felt his hand on my shoulder. Keep it together. Don’t start crying now. You’ll never stop, once you start. You know that, don’t you? He turned me around and he held me. We stood there in the doorway, embracing…nether one seemed willing to let go. When we finally separated, the tears had began to flow from my eyes. As hard as I tried to stop from crying, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming down. He wiped them away with his hands and gave me a kiss on my tear-stained cheek.
“It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” What exactly does that mean? I wondered.
I slowly walk out the door and away from him…I could feel him still watching me as I walked, until I reached my car and then I heard his apartment door finally close. I turned towards his apartment and saw that he was gone. All of sudden a freight train of thoughts came barreling into my head. Would it be the last time I see him? What will he decided to do? If he isn’t a part of my life and this baby, what will tell him when he ask about their dad? There is a baby inside of me, growing. I’m a mom. What kind of mom will I be? How can I do this by myself? What next? How am I going to do this?
How am I doing to do this? Will I do it alone?