Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship?
It was the summer of 1995. It was one of the hotter summers in the Northwest. I remember being able to wear shorts, camisoles and sandals almost everyday. I also remember being out on the lake front almost everyday, laying in the sun, people watching and scoping out men as they walk by. At that time, I am in a relationship that, when I think back on it is just like the 2009 movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I’m Gigi. In the movie, Gigi is single and just like me, she repeatedly misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications they are romantically interested in her. She then frets when the guy doesn’t call, return phone calls or don’t want to be with her…so me at that time. (I wrote more about that relationship in my post He’s Just Not Into You.) Along with all that came insecurity and questions about self-worth. Which lead to jealousy and absurd thinking. Thoughts like, “If I only looked like the other woman, he would really fall in love with me.” Yeah…right!
I was jealous over the other women in his life and it caused havoc in my life. That monster “Jealousy”, made me compare myself to the other woman. I began changing my hair color. I got colored contacts. I tried to lose more weight, even though I was already small at 118 pounds…I was larger than the girls that he was with. I began changing my clothing from jean shorts and white t-shirts to mini-skirts and high heel (painful) shoes. I wore more makeup and changed my hairstyle from ponytails to hair-sprayed “model” hair. I became someone else and the green-eyed monster “Jealousy” grew stronger because it was never enough. I never was enough. At least, in my head. Out of my need to try to get him to pay more attention to me and spend more time with me, my jealousy over the other women who was getting more time with him…more consistent time with him, ended up destroying me. I became someone I was not, I looked like someone I was not and I was just a miserable as I was before….no more miserable than I was before.
“Jealousy” destroyed me. It took years before I could find myself again and realize that who God made me, is who I needed to be. Since accepting that fact, I have not been jealous of anyone else because I know that we are each made unique and who you are is just as important and wonderful, as I am.
I beat “Jealousy” and she has no longer has a hold on me.