(Ever notice, that when a relationship goes to the next level and becomes intimate, everything changes. Some times for the better but most of the time, it just makes things complicated.)
We continued to see each other everyday for weeks, going out for dinner and coffee. Eventually we started to get intimately involved. We loved hanging out together, talking and laughing at stupid jokes. Looking back the thing that I remember the most, is that he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. As it turned out, he made a lot of girls feel like they were the only ones in the world.
I gave into the uncontrollable feeling that this man could be the “one.” I was willing to see where these feelings I was having, would take me…So, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved into an apartment of my own. It was a great little apartment, walking distance to the Bellevue Square Mall. He invited me over to his apartment on Alki several days a week and I when I did come over I stayed most of the night but not over night. That was part of our agreement, I was never to spend the night. Apparently, that was the rule for everyone. None of us were allowed to stay over night.
I found out the hard way that I wasn’t the only one he was seeing. I found a pair of panties under the bed one on day but they weren’t mine. Oh! Wait…I’m jumping ahead of myself. I need to mention that after the first week that we became intimate, he started to get distant. He wouldn’t return my phone calls as quickly. I wouldn’t hear from him for days. So, I did what most girls do…I tried to justify his actions. “He must be in a case” even though I knew that he wasn’t. “He must be in class” even though I knew he didn’t have classes that day and so on. The more and more it happened, the more I got angry at myself for falling for someone and thinking that he could have been the “one” for me. “What was I thinking!” The sad thing is I couldn’t walk away. I tried and tried and tried. There were times when weeks would go by that I wouldn’t hear one word from him. So, I went out with my friends to the dance clubs, out on dates with handsome, good men and I tried to move on. I told myself that if he did call, I wouldn’t pick up the phone or return his calls but every time, just as I was starting to forget about him. I would pick up the phone (this is way before caller ID), thinking it was some one else and it would be him. Every time I heard his voice, I would be back at square one. I’d get weak in the knees and cave in. I was hopelessly “into” this man but “he was just not that into” me. I found out later that he couldn’t get close to anyone.
My friends would try to talk sense into me but I was hopelessly “in love” with him. I had never felt that way about anyone before and I really didn’t like it. All my life, I had been able to control my emotions and now (when I needed it the most) I had no control what so ever. I hated it! I knew I was number 5 out of bunch of girls and some times I would end up on the top of the list but most of the time I was somewhere in the middle or on the bottom. Why would I do that to myself, you ask. I can’t give you a good answer. I was “in love” with a man, who didn’t have the capability to love me back.
In desperation, I would invite him to parties and to the dance clubs with my friends, just to see if he would come. He never did. It was then I decided that I couldn’t do this to myself anymore and I started seeing a few guys more seriously. I found myself looking for that big rush when I kissed them or some thing, anything close to what I had felt with him. It never happened. Unfortunately, that ruined it for anyone who tried to get close to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about those feelings or about him. I was…trapped.
(How I Met Your Dad…Part 5)
Photo is from the cover of “he’s just not that into you” the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo 2004. I’ve seen the movie, haven’t read the book.